September 6, 2013

Living life while waiting for death

Back in April, when we had to place my father in a memory care facility under extremely distressing circumstances, I suggested to my mom we plan a trip to Disney with SB this fall. I thought it would be good for all of us to have something to look forward to.

We have enjoyed doing things together locally, just us three girls. I felt a trip to Disney World would be a great opportunity, and could really lift my mom's spirits. She was excited. We all were. SB had planned out all the things she wanted to do with "DeeDee" (as she calls my mom).

Having been to Disney several times this year, SB looked forward to showing my mom all her favorite things. She knew everything she wanted to do on this trip. We had gotten a discount on our accommodations, because we made them while still at a Disney resort during our last visit. So we were going to splurge a little and stay in a fun, themed suite.

We were scheduled to go later this month. But as we entered September and the trip was just a few weeks away, I realized the situation with my dad was too uncertain for us to leave town. Yes, Orlando is a little over two hours away. But that would be a very long, stressful drive if something were to happen and we had to rush back.

My mom and I hope to be with dad when he takes his last breath. I believe we would feel guilty if we were to miss it because we went out of town. And, if he were to die before the trip, I don't think we would be in the right frame of mind to truly enjoy it.

We do need to go on living as my father is busy dying. Each in our own way. But I don't believe taking a trip is the right thing to do at this time. And my mom wasn't comfortable with it either.

So this week I cancelled our reservations.

I am concerned this will cause SB to have a negative association with my dad. She is very upset about the trip being cancelled, although at this point I have explained our plans have merely been postponed.

Yes, disappointment is a part of life. And something she needs to learn to deal with. Just as she is having to come to terms with death at a much younger age than I would like her to.

I am hoping we can reschedule the trip at a later time. We'll need to do so before our annual passes expire. And after the year we have had, the three of us deserve a little Disney magic...

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