July 29, 2013

The Summer Series - Leslie Irish Evans

My guest today found me online after she came across The Mom Pledge. She reached out via email, and I knew we were kindred spirits. Leslie Irish Evans writes and speaks about the importance of self-care in the lives of women, with special focus on moms and entrepreneurs. 

She's a Huffington Post blogger, co-author of Mom Entrepreneur Extraordinaire, and author of the upcoming book Peeling Mom Off the Ceiling: Reclaiming Your Life From Your Kids. You can learn more about her and get a free copy of her gorgeous e-booklet "The Touch Manifesto" at www.leslieirishevans.com.

I knew Leslie was going to write something funny when she emailed me and asked, "What's your policy on cursing?" Which in itself made me laugh. For the record, I don't have one. But although I am known to curse like a sailor in real life, I have always found myself stopping short of cursing in my writing. I can't explain why. I just don't like to do it. 

I have no problem whatsoever when others writers curse in their work, however. There are times when a good curse word is simply called for...


Seriously, bugger off. I’m sick of you telling me to do stuff. All day long, you boss me around: Try this Pinterest recipe. Read this list about how we’re all going to get cancer. Build this DIY chicken coop. Always wanting me to do stuff. I’ve had enough.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to do your stuff? I’ve got back to school shopping, a dog with a urinary tract infection, and I’m on Day Five of this diet that’s cut out all my sugar and baked goods and I’m ‘bout ready to cut someone. And that’s it for today, Internet. That’s all I can handle. You keep telling me I should do more but YOU AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME, INTERNET.

You know who likes to do stuff?


Ooh, I burned you there.

OK, fine, you want to stay? Then I need you to be more helpful around here. Here’s a list of what I want you to do (That’s right, the tables are turned. You are now my bitch.):

  • Shut yourself off once in a while. Make the screen go blank and then just post a sign saying “GO FOR A WALK OUTSIDE.” Don’t turn back on ‘til I’ve done it. 
  • Only show me one thing at a time. You have fed my ADD like no other source in the world. I’m tired of Candy Crushing my Facebook Reddit blogs. Stop being so clickable. I’m like a frickin’ lab rat tapping the button for its next heroin dose. 
  • Quit being so damned convenient. Seriously, you’re available everywhere. It used to be if I had a question about some fact I had to go to a library and look at encyclopedias or … or … microfiche. And since that was usually too much work I just went on with my day, living in happy ignorance. Not anymore. I’ve accessed you in places I really shouldn’t have, Internet, and it’s cost me. No person should be saddled with the title “Queen of the Poopernet”. 
  • Less celebrity gossip, more local gossip. I don’t even know Brad Pitt. Instead of telling me what his deal is, tell me what the deal is with that family across the street who only put the tiniest garbage can out on the curb each week. How is that even possible? They’ve got four kids. That’s news I could use. 
  • Clean my house. How are you, more of a world-wide concept than an actual physical entity, going to accomplish that? I don’t know, Internet, but you’re smart. You’ll figure it out. Try Googling it. 
  • Compliment me. You’re always telling me about some “weird” technique some local mom used to lose 10 lbs, or what men really want in bed. Why don’t you tell me I look pretty once in a while? 
  • Scratch that last one. OK, to be fair, I think I’ve started confusing you with my husband. My bad, Internet. That one’s on me. 

So that’s the deal, Internet. Get yourself into shape or GTFO. Quitting you is easy. I’ve done it dozens of times. Meet this list of demands or I’m tossing you and this computer into my large and completely-normal-for-a-family-this-size trash bin.

Right after I finish this next level of Candy Crush.

Well, I guess for now Candy Crush is as close to sugar as you're going to get to sweets, Leslie. I tried giving up sugar once. It went about as well as it would if I tried to give up the Internet.

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