Yesterday a friend came for a visit with her sweet, precious little six month-old daughter. As I held that baby she nuzzled against my chest, and I wanted to cry. A few hours later, when I took this picture, the tears did come. There is no hint of my baby girl here. She's all toddler. And she is growing up way too fast!
I remember when my daughter was born, everyone told me, "Enjoy every minute, it will go by fast." I thought to myself, how fast can it really go?" In fact, there were periods when I secretly hoped time would speed up. Those were days when I was exhausted from breastfeeding every two hours around the clock. Getting a shower was a major accomplishment. I rarely ever left the house. At times I just wanted to get through it and move on. Now, I want those days back.
In the movie Click, Adam Sandler has a special remote control that enables him to fast forward through certain events or periods of his life. Predictably, he gets to the end and is filled with regret. I haven't missed a thing. In my daughter's first year and a half, I have been away from her for probably no more than a combined 72 hours (I know, I need to get out more).
Even so, I want my own remote control, enabling me to rewind life and go back to relive my daughter's first year. I want the opportunity to savor each moment again. The good. The bad. Even the ugly. I want this sweet, precious little six month old to nuzzle at my chest again.
At the very least, I want a pause button I can push so she can stay just as she is now a little bit longer. She is changing at warp speed. And looking back the details of the early months are already fuzzy.
Don't get me wrong. These are good times. I am having a ball with my daughter. She is so much fun. She is exploring the world, eager to learn new things. Watching her is such an incredible joy I feel as if I will burst. But in the blink of an eye, she will be going off to kindergarten. Then before I know it, starting high school. And college...
I know all moms feel this way. But I think it is possibly more pronounced for me because she will be my only child. I gave birth to her when I was 40, and due to my age my husband and I do not plan to have any more children. So I will only get to live these moments once. Most days I feel at peace with that. But not every day. Just last week a woman I know told me she was pregnant with her second child. I found myself in my car crying. The reaction took me by complete surprise.
I did not plan to become a mom so late. That's just the way life played out. I had actually given up on the dream, so I consider it nothing short of a miracle that I have a child. And I thank God for her each and every day. I am humbled He felt I was worthy of such a precious gift. I've got one shot at motherhood, and I am going to do my best to enjoy every moment. No matter how quickly it passes by.