May 28, 2010

The speed of life

          Yesterday a friend came for a visit with her sweet, precious little six month-old daughter. As I held that baby she nuzzled against my chest, and I wanted to cry. A few hours later, when I took this picture, the tears did come. There is no hint of my baby girl here. She's all toddler. And she is growing up way too fast!


I remember when my daughter was born, everyone told me, "Enjoy every minute, it will go by fast." I thought to myself, how fast can it really go?" In fact, there were periods when I secretly hoped time would speed up. Those were days when I was exhausted from breastfeeding every two hours around the clock. Getting a shower was a major accomplishment. I rarely ever left the house. At times I just wanted to get through it and move on. Now, I want those days back.
          In the movie Click, Adam Sandler has a special remote control that enables him to fast forward through certain events or periods of his life. Predictably, he gets to the end and is filled with regret. I haven't missed a thing. In my daughter's first year and a half, I have been away from her for probably no more than a combined 72 hours (I know, I need to get out more).
          Even so, I want my own remote control, enabling me to rewind life and go back to relive my daughter's first year. I want the opportunity to savor each moment again. The good. The bad. Even the ugly. I want this sweet, precious little six month old to nuzzle at my chest again.
     At the very least, I want a pause button I can push so she can stay just as she is now a little bit longer. She is changing at warp speed. And looking back the details of the early months are already fuzzy.
          Don't get me wrong. These are good times. I am having a ball with my daughter. She is so much fun. She is exploring the world, eager to learn new things. Watching her is such an incredible joy I feel as if I will burst. But in the blink of an eye, she will be going off to kindergarten. Then before I know it, starting high school. And college...
          I know all moms feel this way. But I think it is possibly more pronounced for me because she will be my only child. I gave birth to her when I was 40, and due to my age my husband and I do not plan to have any more children. So I will only get to live these moments once. Most days I feel at peace with that. But not every day. Just last week a woman I know told me she was pregnant with her second child. I found myself in my car crying. The reaction took me by complete surprise.
          I did not plan to become a mom so late. That's just the way life played out. I had actually given up on the dream, so I consider it nothing short of a miracle that I have a child. And I thank God for her each and every day. I am humbled He felt I was worthy of such a precious gift. I've got one shot at motherhood, and I am going to do my best to enjoy every moment. No matter how quickly it passes by.

14 comments:

  1. Beautifully said! I feel the same way all the time -- how did my little one just turn 7?

    There's an amazing song from the musical "Big" (based on the Tom Hanks movie) that sums up how you're feeling. I can't listen to it without crying. Here are the lyrics... http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/big/stoptime.htm

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  2. Wonderfully expressed. I expect that forty years from now, you still have these same feelings....that strange combination of "no time has passed" and "where did it go?"

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  3. My daughter has been asking if there really are magic wands that could turn her back into a baby so she can remember better. That longing for time past starts early!! Keep telling your daughter stories of when she was 'little' - it will help both of you remember.

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  4. I can most definitely relate. My husband laughs at me all the time because I'll make a cradling motion with my arms and say, "...but he was once just this little bundle!"

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  5. What a doll, and yes, it goes by at warp speed.

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  6. This is great, and written very well. I look forward to reading your book when it's finished.

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  7. She has gorgeous eyes! I know how you feel. I have only one too--not by choice--but I feel so blessed to be able to enjoy every moment even though it sometimes seems like it goes so fast. :)

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  8. Hi Elizabeth!

    Your girl is a sweetie! I just love her smile! You've got an awesome blog here. I gotcha bookmarked into my favorites. Thanks for swinging by my post at MW. I'm always happy to meet other writers! :) Happy writing!!

    Smile!,
    Sarah
    The Lovestruck Novice

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  9. Gorgeous smile on your daughter's face. :)

    You write very well!

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  10. Definitely can relate to that. Nice blog, btw. Didn't think I'd have kids due to medical issues. I have a benign tumor on my pituitary and was told I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I guess I showed them. I've got 2 miracle babies. When my oldest, was born he used to cry a lot. My husband, would just hold him and walk around the house with him, smiling. He would say he was just so grateful he had a child it didn't matter that he would cry nonstop. I can't believe he just finished his first year of middle school and is turning 12 in two weeks. My only advice - continue to take tons of pictures.

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  11. Thank you so much for you kind words about my daughter and my blog. And for sharing your experiences!

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  12. I read this post when you first wrote it. It touches me on a lot of levels. You're going through a wonderful time and I am a little jealous, but each new stage brings it's own magic. She's just beautiful. Enjoy!

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  13. Stop by, I have something for you!

    http://therealpoopsie.blogspot.com/2010/07/versatile-beautiful-sugar-doll-of.html

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  14. Yes, they do grow up very, very fast! Enjoy the ride, girlfriend.

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